“it’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know”
My dad always stressed the importance of building relationships. Whether they were professional, personal or romantic. As I’ve gone through the last few years, I’ve increasingly come to appreciate and share the sentiment, realising how critical it is to make sure I maintain strong relationships. I’ve been extremely fortunate to have people that help me navigate life, sending a metaphorical lifeboat to stop drowning when I’m at my lowest, and also (quite rightly) mocking me into submission when I become insufferable and won’t shut up about that one time I did a half marathon.
When it comes to maintaining contact with people, I would consider myself average. There are some things I’m OK at, and there are other areas where there is a lot of room for improvement. I’m currently at the age at which men feel at their most lonely, with 9% of men in the UK saying that they do not see anyone regularly*. I don’t consider myself particularly strong at keeping in touch with friends and family, but I have developed some tools and techniques that I use to try and maintain my relationships, and this article aims to share some of these (as well as confess areas where I’m probably not doing as well as I should!).
Things I am OK at
Milestone Events
When I was growing up, my dad (who I think is excellent at keeping in touch with people) would print out a piece of A4 paper which contained a list of milestone events for people in the extended family and stick it up in the study room. Birthdays, anniversaries, and whatever else… Any and all milestone dates related to aunts, uncles, cousins and immediate family were visible, in a prominent place that made it difficult to avoid. Because it was so “in your face”, you wouldn’t be able to miss it, and most of the time, you would see a milestone event that was happening that day.
I’ve adopted a similar approach, albeit one rooted in the 21st century. I use Google calendar to plan my social calendar, and check it pretty frequently to see what plans I have coming up. Google allows you to have multiple calendars, so I have also created a dedicated calendar specifically to store milestone events. When I find out someone’s birthday, or the date of a milestone for them, I will put it in my calendar as an annual reminder. Because I frequently check it, I’ll typically spot if a milestone event is happening, and will reach out to congratulate the relevant person, keeping those relationships alive.
Remembering the small things, and that everyone is a hero
“Each of us is at once a hero, a supporting cast member, and an extra in overlapping stories”.
Some years ago I stumbled upon a word – sonder. Sonder is defined as “the feeling one has on realizing that every other individual one sees has a life as full and real as one’s own, in which they are the central character and others, including oneself, have secondary or insignificant roles”. The idea that some of the most significant moments of my life aren’t even a footnote in others has become a cornerstone of how I think about my relationships and keep in touch with others.
Everyone I speak with is the main character in their own story, and I try to remember that when I speak to others. I’ll try and recall the last one or two big things going on in that person’s life, so that I can ask about them. I’ve felt most heard and understood when someone I’ve been catching up with has – without prompting – brought up a topic that was important to me, and I believe that doing the same for others shows that you care. I don’t have any tools for this (although if anyone knows of any, please do let me know!), I just try my best to remember what’s going on with people.
Things I need to improve
Being more proactive with my relationships
I have friends that have perfected the art of keeping in reaching out proactively. Every so often, I’ll get a call just to say hi. It makes me feel good, and like I have people that want to speak to me and catch up. I’m not so talented… I want to keep in touch, but the well-trodden excuse of being busy just results in me not doing this. There are a few behaviours I’m trying out, in the hopes that it improves my proactivity:
- I recently started making sure I go for a walk at lunchtime. Not only does this make sure I’m active for 30 minutes or so, but it gives me uninterrupted time that I have been using to call someone I want to speak to and have a conversation.
- Sometimes I’ll spot something, or a random memory that relates to someone will pop into my head. I’m now trying to use these as a trigger to reach out to someone, if I haven’t spoken to them in a while. If something reminds me of you, I’ll try and drop you a message or give you a call
More timely responses
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m pretty rubbish when it comes to messaging people. By design, I’ve started limiting the amount of time I open messaging apps, to try and be more productive. So far all it’s meant is that I spend that time on Reddit instead, but I’m slowly trying to wean myself off that too. A side effect is that sometimes messages go days without being responded to.
It’s not really good enough, all things considered, and I want to do better. In my last post I talked about how I’m using part of my commute to write more. I’m using another part of my commute as dedicated “message time”. Making sure that I look at messages and reply to them. My hope is that my response time goes down. If I owe you a reply, hit me up and I’ll aim to reply within an acceptable time frame.
Wrap up
So there it is. My strategy for being less of a hermit, and how I’m trying to build better relationships by maintaining contact with the people I care about. If you had a milestone recently and I didn’t congratulate you, let me know so that I can add it to my calendar! If I haven’t reached out in a while, let’s meet up and make some memories, and if I haven’t replied to a message you’ve sent, expect a response in 3-5 business days 🙂
*Jo Cox Foundation, 2017
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